A Young Man Becomes the Story He Believes About Himself
By September, the newness of the school year wears off and the real patterns begin to set in. This is the month the quiet story a young man tells himself starts running the show. Here's how we help him write a better one.
By Jamie Gilmore · Founder and CEO, Kut Different · Ocala, FL
Every young man is already telling himself a story about who he is. The truth is, he probably didn't write most of it.
He absorbed it from the rooms he grew up in, the labels he was handed, and the words adults spoke over him when they thought he wasn't listening. The reality is, he was always listening. By the time we meet many of these young men in grades 4 through 8, that story has often been playing in their minds for years.
September is when it begins to show. The excitement of a new school year starts to fade, routines settle in, and the quiet story a young man believes about himself starts running the show. The young man who believes he's a problem often finds a way to prove it. The young man who believes he's a leader starts looking for somewhere to lead.
Two young men can walk into the same school, sit in the same classroom, and have the same teachers, yet experience two completely different years. The difference isn't always the environment. More often than not, it's the story each young man believes about himself.
Behavior Is Downstream of Identity
One of the greatest lessons I've learned from mentoring young men is that behavior is usually the symptom, not the root of the issue. We spend a lot of time trying to correct what we can see without taking the time to understand what
a young man believes about himself. If he believes he's a leader, his behavior begins to reflect that. If he believes he's a problem, that often shows up too.
That's why we started Kut Different.
We understood something that doesn't always show up in program reports: a young man's outward behavior changes when his inner narrative changes, and almost never before. You cannot discipline your way into identity. You cannot reward your way into confidence. You have to build it from the inside out.
That's why we ask different questions. Not, “Did you behave today?” but, “What did you learn about yourself today?”
I've come to believe that one of the most important things an adult can do is ask questions that help a young person think differently about themselves.
The questions we ask a young man eventually become the questions he asks himself.
The Labels Stick Faster Than We Think
One careless sentence can shape the way a young man sees himself for years.
“You're lazy.”
“You're a bad kid.
“You're just like your father.”
He may never repeat those words out loud, but he'll often live them because people naturally live in a way that's consistent with what they believe about themselves.
The good news is that belief works both ways.
The right words, repeated consistently by someone who keeps showing up, can begin to rewrite the story.
“A young man rarely becomes what adults expect of him. He becomes what he believes about himself.”
Five Ways to Help Him Write a Better Story
1. Speak to who he is becoming.
Talk to the young man you're calling forward, not just the one who had a rough afternoon.
2. Separate the behavior from the person.
“That choice was wrong” is very different from “You're a problem.” One corrects behavior. The other
defines identity.
3. Catch him becoming who you want him to be.
When you see leadership, say it. When you see honesty, point it out. When you see courage,
acknowledge it. What gets recognized gets repeated.
4. Ask reflective questions.
Questions like “What did you learn about yourself today?” teach a young man to examine his own
growth instead of simply reacting to life.
5. Let him overhear the good version.
One of the most powerful things you can do is speak positively about a young man while he's close
enough to hear it. Describe him the way you hope he'll eventually describe himself.
Sometimes the most powerful evidence isn't what we say. It's what a young man says about himself after someone has consistently believed in him.
This is the quiet work of mentorship.
It isn't one inspiring speech or one conversation that changes everything. It's a caring adult showing up consistently.
Asking better questions.
Speaking life.
Holding a young man accountable.
Refusing to give up on him until he begins to believe a better story about himself.
That's the work we do every week at Kut Different.
Every young man is becoming someone. The question isn't whether he'll believe a story about himself. The question is who is helping write it.
Be a Voice in a Young Man's Story
Become a Kut Different mentor and be the consistent adult whose words a young man begins to believe.
Become a mentor at kutdifferent.org/become-a-mentor
Other ways to be part of the mission:
Enroll your son in grades 4 through 8 at kutdifferent.org/join-as-a-mentee
Support weekly mentorship at kutdifferent.org/support-young-men
Kut Different · Ocala, FL · 501(c)(3) · Youth Mentorship for Young Men Grades 4 through 8 · kutdifferent.org
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