What Do You Do When It's Not Happening to You?
During National Bullying Prevention Month, we're asking young people a different question.
By Jamie Gilmore Jr. · Founder and CEO, Kut Different · Ocala, FL
Think back to when you were in school for a minute. There was always somebody.
The kid who ate lunch alone. The one everybody picked on. The one who got laughed at when they answered a question. The one who never got picked first. The one everybody knew was being treated wrong, but nobody wanted to be the person who said something.
Most of us can picture somebody right now.
And if we're being truthful, some of us were that person.
Some of us stood up for that person.
Some of us stayed quiet.
And some of us may have even been part of the problem.
October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and every year we spend a lot of time reminding young people not to bully. That's an important message. But after years of working with young people, I think there is another question we need to be asking.
What do you do when it's not happening to you?
That's where the conversation about bullying becomes a conversation about character.
It's Easy to Walk Away When It's Not Your Problem
We teach young people how to stand up for themselves, and we should. But we also have a responsibility to teach them how to stand up for somebody else.
Because the truth is, doing the right thing becomes a lot harder when you have nothing to gain from it.
What do you do when someone is getting picked on, but nobody is bothering you? What do you do when your friends are laughing at somebody and speaking up might make you the next target?
What do you do when somebody is sitting alone and inviting them over might not be the “cool” thing to do?
Those moments reveal character.
At Kut Different, one of the things we want our young men to understand is that strength isn't always about being the toughest person in the room. Sometimes strength is being secure enough in who you are that you're willing to stand beside somebody when everyone else is walking away.
Sometimes it's saying, “That's enough.”
Sometimes it's refusing to laugh.
Sometimes it's sitting beside the kid who's alone.
Sometimes it's checking on somebody after everyone else has left.
And sometimes it's getting an adult because you know what's happening isn't right.
Real strength isn't standing over somebody. It's having the courage to stand beside them.
Brotherhood Has to Be Taught
Brotherhood is a word we use a lot at Kut Different, but I don't want our young men to think brotherhood simply means having a group of friends.
To me, brotherhood comes with responsibility.
It means I care about what happens to the young man beside me. It means I can hold him accountable without tearing him down. It means I celebrate him when he wins instead of feeling threatened by his success. It means I notice when something isn't right and care enough to ask.
That's something we have to teach on purpose. We can't just put young people in the same room, call them brothers, and expect them to understand what that means.
One of the things I've learned through mentoring is that young people pay attention to what the adults around them celebrate. If we only celebrate toughness, popularity, winning, being the best athlete, or being the loudest person in the room, we shouldn't be surprised when that's what they chase.
So we have to celebrate character just as loudly.
When a young person includes somebody who is being left out, that's leadership.
When they refuse to follow the crowd when the crowd is wrong, that's leadership.
When they speak up for somebody who may not have the confidence to speak up for themselves, that's leadership.
Those are wins too.
Our Young People Are Watching Us
There is another side of this conversation that I think we as adults have to be willing to address.
We can tell our children not to bully, but what are we modeling?
Do they hear us making fun of people?
Do they hear how we talk about someone who's different from us?
Do they watch us treat people differently based on what they have, what they look like, or what they can do for us?
Do they see us stay quiet when somebody is being treated wrong?
Our young people are paying attention. They watch how we treat the server at the restaurant. They watch how we talk to strangers. They listen to how we talk about people when those people aren't around.
Young people learn kindness from what we tell them, but they learn character from what they watch us do.
That's why bullying prevention can't only be a conversation we have with young people. Adults have to be part of it too.
Five Things We Can Do Right Now
This doesn't require a complicated program. There are simple things parents, mentors, coaches, teachers, and other adults can start doing.
Ask them who is being left out.
Instead of only asking, “How was school today?” try asking, “Who at your school seems like they don't have anybody?” You're teaching them to look beyond themselves and notice the people around them.
Celebrate character when you see it.
We get excited about the touchdown, the A on the test, the award, and the accomplishment. We should. But when your child includes someone, speaks up for somebody, or chooses not to follow the crowd, make a big deal about that too. Tell them, “That was leadership.”
Talk about the moment before the moment happens.
Ask, “What would you do if your friends started picking on somebody?” Let them think through it before they're standing in the middle of the situation. Courage becomes a little easier when you've already decided what you stand for.
Show them what it looks like.
Our example will always speak louder than our instructions. Let young people see you treat people with dignity, especially when there's nothing you can get in return.
Make sure they have somewhere they truly belong.
Every young person needs people and places where they know they are seen, valued, challenged, and wanted. That could be family, a team, a church, a club, a mentoring program, or another healthy community. And once they experience what real belonging feels like, teach them to help create that feeling for somebody else.
Ask a Different Question This Month
During National Bullying Prevention Month, I absolutely want us asking our young people,
“Are you treating people the right way?”
But I want us to add another question:
“What are you doing when you see somebody else being treated wrong?”
Because character isn't only about what you refuse to do. It's also about what you're willing to do for somebody else.
At Kut Different, I want every young man who walks through our doors to know two things: you belong here, and the young man standing beside you matters too.
That's brotherhood.
And if we can teach enough young men to carry that mindset into their schools, teams, homes, workplaces, and eventually their own families, we're doing more than addressing bullying. We're helping develop young men who understand that their strength isn't just for themselves. It's also for the people around them.
And ultimately, that's the question we're always trying to help our young men answer:
“What kind of man are you becoming?”
Give a Young Man a Place to Belong
Kut Different creates environments where young men can build relationships, develop character, be held accountable, experience new opportunities, and learn what real brotherhood looks like. If you're looking for that kind of environment for a young man in your life, visit kutdifferent.org to learn more.
And if you're an adult who believes the next generation needs more people willing to show up, we'd love to have you build with us.
Become a mentor at kutdifferent.org/become-a-mentor
Make your deposit at kutdifferent.org/support-young-men
Kut Different · Ocala, FL · 501(c)(3) · Youth Mentorship for Young Men Grades 4 through 8 · kutdifferent.org
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